RANT! Fake-Pocket Jeans

Fake-pocket jeans cartoon

Comic credit goes to lizwuzthere @ DeviantArt

It’s been about a 2 years since I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. And last week, they finally gave up the ghost. So I was forced to go jeans shopping. (nooooooo) It wasn’t that bad, all things considered. Maurice’s had a buy one, get one 50% off sale on jeggings, so at least my pants timed their demise well. I was in a hurry, so I bought two pairs that fit and left. I felt pretty pleased with myself.

Oh, how short-lived that satisfaction would be.

The next day, I put on my brand-spanking-new jeans. And then I realized.

Guys, my brand-spanking-new pants have FAKE POCKETS.

Rise Against the Fake-pocket Jeans, Feminist Sisters!

Things you can do with a pair of pants with fake pockets:

  1. Nowhere to put your keys
  2. Nowhere to put your phone
  3. Nowhere to put your credit card/cash/coins
  4. Be forced to carry a PURSE
  5. Question the meaning of life
  6. Feel deprived of all utility


Feminists are all about gender equality, right? Why are they rallying around topics like priesthood in the LDS church, abortion, sexual orientation, and trivial things like that? I mean, hello, where aren’t pocketless jeans on the feminist flag? Why aren’t there protests in malls?

Men don’t experience this kind of oppression. Nooooooo – they get nice, deep, roomy pockets. And at least 5 of them. A lot of guys get to wear cargo pants, which roughly translates from man-ese to woman-ese as “pocket pants.”

When a woman is deprived of her right to pockets, she is forced to carry things like a purse. Aside from being incredibly inconvenient like a clingy child, purses are like high heels – they cripple you in case you have to run for your life. Granted, they do make half-decent weapons in a pinch.

Women, rally with me! Protest the deception of the false pocket! Boycott fake-pocket jeans! (unless you’re a poor college student who really has no other choice)

In the meanwhile, I have found a solution:


The Boot Pocket!

Boots are tight enough against one’s calf that you can store anything from pens to phones in total security. Plus, you get that awesome feeling of pulling something out of your boot like a secret agent. Oh yeah.